Real Gratitude vs. Toxic Positivity: How to Be Thankful When Life Has Been Hard

If you’re in the United States, then Thanksgiving is coming. And if not Thanksgiving for you, then the holiday season is right behind it.

And with it, the pressure and the performance and the expectation that you'll sit around a table and list all the things you're grateful for while smiling like you mean it.

"I'm so blessed."

"I'm grateful for my health, my family, and my job."

"This year has been amazing."

Meanwhile, you're sitting there thinking: This year has been fucking hard. My health has been a struggle. My job is soul-crushing. My family drives me crazy. And I'm supposed to pretend I'm grateful for all of it?

If that's where you are right now, this post is for you.Because there's a difference between real gratitude and toxic positivity. And it's time we talked about it.

The Problem with Performative Gratitude

Gratitude has been weaponized. It's been turned into a moral obligation, a spiritual test, and proof that you're evolved or enlightened or "high vibe" enough. If you're not grateful, you're ungrateful. If you're not positive, you're negative. If you can't find the silver lining, you're not trying hard enough.

"Just be grateful for what you have."

"At least you're not..."

"Everything happens for a reason."

"Good vibes only."

These phrases aren't supportive. They're dimishing. They're a way of telling you that your pain doesn't matter, your struggle isn't valid, your very real grief or anger or disappointment is something you need to get over. And if you can't? If you can't muster up gratitude on command? Then you're the problem.

This is what toxic positivity does. It takes a genuinely valuable practice—gratitude—and turns it into a weapon. A way to shame people for having real human emotions.

What is Toxic Positivity?

Let's define it clearly. Toxic positivity is the belief that you should maintain a positive mindset no matter what's happening. That negative emotions are bad, wrong, or something to be avoided at all costs. That if you're not happy, grateful, or optimistic, you're doing life wrong.

It shows up in phrases like:

• "Good vibes only"

• "Everything happens for a reason"

• "It could be worse"

• "Just think positive"

• "You should be grateful"

• "Look on the bright side"

It shows up in Instagram captions that perform happiness while hiding real struggle. In spiritual communities that shame people for being "low vibe." In well-meaning friends who can't sit with your pain so they rush to fix it with forced optimism.

And here's why it's harmful: it invalidates real emotions. When you tell someone to "just be grateful" when they're grieving, struggling, or suffering, you're essentially saying: your pain doesn't matter. Your experience isn't real. You're wrong for feeling what you feel. That doesn't heal anyone. It just makes them feel alone.

What Real Gratitude Actually Looks Like

Real gratitude is nothing like toxic positivity. Real gratitude doesn't require you to pretend everything is fine when it's not.

Real gratitude doesn't erase pain. It coexists with it.

Here's what real gratitude looks like: It's both/and, not either/or.

You can be grateful for your body AND acknowledge that it's betrayed you in painful ways.

You can be grateful for the financial abundance your job offers you AND recognize that it's draining you.

You can be grateful for your family AND admit that they hurt you sometimes.

Both things are true at the same time. Gratitude doesn't cancel out pain. And pain doesn't cancel out gratitude.

It's specific, not vague.

Real gratitude doesn't sound like "I'm grateful for my health." That's too abstract.

Real gratitude sounds like: "I'm grateful that my body let me go for a walk this morning even though I'm tired."

Or: "I'm grateful my friend sent me that funny text when I was having a terrible day."

Or: "I'm grateful for the way the light looked through the trees this afternoon."

Specific. Small. AND Real.

It's earned, not forced.

You can't bypass the hard emotions and jump straight to gratitude. It doesn't work that way.

If you're carrying resentment, grief, anger, or disappointment, you have to feel those things first. You have to sit with them. Name them. Let them move through you. Only then—after you've honored the pain—can gratitude emerge authentically. You can't force it. You can only practice it. And the practice requires honesty.

Why You Can't Force Gratitude

Here's the thing about forced gratitude: it feels hollow. You can make the list. You can write in your gratitude journal every morning. You can say the right words. But if you're bypassing real emotions to get there, the gratitude isn't real. It's performative. It's spiritual theater.

And you know it. Your body knows it. That's why forced gratitude feels empty. Real gratitude can only emerge when you've made space for the hard stuff. When you've let yourself feel the resentment, the grief, the anger, and the disappointment.

When you've said out loud (or written down or admitted to yourself): This has been really fucking hard. Life has been unfair. I deserved better. I'm not okay. Once you've done that—once you've honored the truth—then there's space for gratitude. Not gratitude that erases the pain. Gratitude that exists alongside it.

How to Practice Real Gratitude

If you want to practice gratitude without falling into toxic positivity, here's how:

Be specific.

Don't write "I'm grateful for my family." Write: "I'm grateful my sister called to check on me yesterday."

Don't write "I'm grateful for my health." Write: "I'm grateful my body let me sleep deeply last night."

Talk about specific moments. Specific things. Small but real and true.

Make it embodied.

Don't just think about what you're grateful for. Feel it.

Close your eyes. Go back to that moment. Let yourself relive it for 30 seconds.

Feel the warmth of the coffee in your hands. Hear your friend's laugh. See the way the light came through the window.

Gratitude isn't a concept. It's a felt experience.

Practice daily, but don't force it.

Every evening, write down one thing you were grateful for that day.

But if you can't find anything? If the day was genuinely terrible and nothing felt good? Write that down too.

"Today was hard. I'm not feeling grateful. And you know what, that’s okay. This is where I am."

The practice isn't about always being grateful. It's about being honest. And sometimes honesty looks like admitting you're not okay.

Let both things be true.

Don't make gratitude an either/or proposition.

You can be grateful for the good moments AND acknowledge the hard ones.

"Today my body hurt, and I'm frustrated by that. AND I'm grateful my friend brought me soup."

Both. Not one or the other.

Navigating Thanksgiving When You're Not Feeling It

Let's talk about Thanksgiving specifically, because it's the cultural pressure point of gratitude.

If you're dreading it—if you're not feeling grateful, if the idea of sitting around a table performing thankfulness makes you want to scream—here's what I want you to know:

You don't have to perform.

You don't owe anyone a fake smile or a list of blessings you don't mean.

If someone asks what you're grateful for and you don't have an answer, it's okay to say: "Honestly, this year has been hard. I'm working on it."

Or: "I'm grateful for small things right now. Like this meal. Like being here."

Or even: "Can we skip the gratitude circle this year? I'm not in the headspace for it."

Your honesty is more valuable than your performance. And others might be feeling the same way and thankful that you said what they were feeling. 

You can be grateful for small things without pretending everything is perfect.

You can be grateful for the mashed potatoes. For the warmth of the house. For the fact that you survived this year.

You don't have to be grateful for EVERYTHING. Just for something. And that something can be tiny.

You can set boundaries.

If the conversation turns toxic—if people start playing "who has it worse" or pressuring you to be more positive—you can excuse yourself.

Go for a walk. Step outside. Take a break.

You don't have to stay in spaces that diminish your experience.

The Invitation

This Thanksgiving, instead of forcing fake gratitude, try something real.

Inside The Unfolding, I'm teaching a full month-long practice for moving from Resentment to Gratitude. Not by bypassing the resentment. By working with it.

Here's what you get:

• A video course that walks you through the transformation—why gratitude is hard when life has been unfair, how to honor both pain and appreciation, how to find moments of real thankfulness without performing.

• Tarot spreads to help you see what you're actually grateful for (not what you think you should be grateful for).

• Seasonal timing guidance that shows you how late autumn, Scorpio, and Sagittarius support this work.

• Recipes and correspondences that bring sweetness into your life without forcing it. Food as a practice of gratitude.

• Rituals that help you release resentment and invite authentic appreciation. Not performative. Real.

• Journal prompts that let you be honest about what's hard AND what's good.

This isn't toxic positivity. This is the real, messy, both/and work of gratitude.

And I'm doing it with you.

Real gratitude doesn't erase pain. It sits beside it. It makes space for both.

And that's the kind of gratitude worth practicing.